Life..through the eyes of a child

I have been doing a lot of reading since I discovered the fate of my little Alex. I started reading books written about dealing with the loss of an infant, and I have also read other grief books that help you understand how to overcome your sadness and continue living your life. One such book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S Kushner, the author states that when we experience loss the question should not be "Why did this happen to me?", rather "Now that this has happened, what am I going to do about it?"

What I am going to do now that I will never know, never hold, never kiss what should have been my first born son? I have asked myself this many times and I repeatedly turn to Elena when my heart feels too heavy to face such questions. It is her smile, her laugh and her innocence that gave me my answer...Live for each moment, learn lessons through the eyes of a child.

When I think about the joy of living life as a child, I can't help but think of the quote "Dance as if no one is watching, love as if you've never been hurt." My little Elena has got some rhythm and she loves to dance. Anytime she hears music, her hips start to move, she doesn't care if the world is watching and even if she was crying 1 minute earlier, her mood is changed and her smile lights up the room. Likewise, Elena does not yet know the pain of loss, death, disappointment and anger. She falls, she cries and she gets right back up. A child's heart is open and they have so much love to give. While they may be hurt for one brief moment, they are able to overcome this hurt and go on loving..."love as if you've never been hurt", if Elena can do this, why shouldn't I try to follow her lead? Become like a child and don't let your heart be broken by harmful things, but let it always bounce back with new hopes and second chances.

Yesterday was my nephew Julian's 2nd birthday party! Watching 20 children run around My Gym, I could not help but be in envy of the excitement that 2 hours of play brought to each child. When is the last time I just played for 2 hours, not a care in the world, not a worry on my mind? I couldn't tell you. However, back to the question at hand, "What I am going to do now that this has happened to me?" I promise that I am going to take time for myself. Whether it means 2 hours of running, 2 hours of pampering, 2 hours of reading or 2 hours of doing nothing, I know that I need that time to reflect each day.

Before lossing Alex, I was going through the motions of life without really taking time to live it. I feel as if I have a second chance at life. I chance to find myself again. Running is helping me feel better about my physical self, reading and blogging is helping me take care of my spiritual self, and being Elena's mom is helping me remember to laugh more and "dance as if no one is watching." Which, if I may add, is the best part of my day...nothing beats dancing to "The Hot Dog Dance" each morning! Great way to start each day!

'Sometimes looking deep into the eyes of a child, you are conscious of meeting a glance full
of wisdom. The child has known nothing yet
but love and beauty. All this piled-up world knowledge you have acquired is unguessed at
by her. And yet you meet this wonderful look
that tells you in a moment more than all the
years of experience have seemed to teach.'

-Hildegarde Hawthorne

Finding Happiness

" Hope lifts us up!"

My sister Amy gave me a WillowTree design when we found out about Alex's diagnosis of Trisomy 18. The symbol of the little boy holding up the balloon with the word hope inside is so powerful and the word is one that I constantly use for my own healing. I have always believed that when you have hope, anything is possible.

This past week has been hard for me. August 6 marked one month since I last felt Alex inside me. One month since the dream of his birth has died. How do I remain hopefully? There are days when I cry and feel so lonely and cheated. I see pregnant women and I feel so jealous of the joy that they have to look forward to and I find myself becoming angry with God. But I soon take a step back and remember all that I have in my life and the happiness that surrounds me.
Each day brings new hope and I see everything as a sign that I can move forward and my pregnacy with Alex will forever be remembered.

Don't laugh!! Wednesday my friend Gina and I attended the American Idol concert, yes, you read correctly. We had a blast and I know now that there was a reason I joined thousands of tweens for a night of Idol madness! Singer Danny Gokey, lost his wife last year, just 3 weeks before he tried out for Idol. He has always inspired me with his strength and he sings with such passion and conviction, I think I cry everytime I hear his voice. He sang 3 songs and then ended with My Wish, by Rascal Flatts. Before he sang the song, that he dedicated to his wife, he spoke to the crowd. He talked about this wife's passing and said" You can not let a tragedy or loss define you...you must continue to follow your dreams and define your life" Gina and I looked at eachother as if he was directing those words to me. That's exactly it...I can't let Alex's death define the person that I am or will become. My dream of him will always live on and my dreams for my life must continue. I left the concert ready to take my business, my training and my life to the next level.

I have been running all week. I am up to 3 miles, which may seem like nothing, but considering that I have not run more than 2 since October, it is a step in the right direction. I have downloaded motivational music for running and inspirational music when I need to be reminded why I am training for a half marathon. Of course, My Wish, made the list after the Idol concert, but my favorite song remains to be, You Never Let Go, by David Crowder Band. I heard this song on another blog of a women who had lost her son after 16 minutes of life. He was born with Trisomy 18 and she described it as "the sweetest 16 minutes of her life". It gave me chills to know that our lives were both touched by Trisomy 18...mine with 16 weeks of Alex growing inside me, her's with 16 minutes of knowing her son. Reading her blog and hearing this song makes me feel so alive. While it hurts to think that we have to endure the pain of lossing a child that we will never know, it gives me HOPE to know that we are both continuing to live a life that has meaning and I feel as if each day brings me a new sense of dreams that will continue to be fulfilled. Alex has become my strength and Elena is my motivation.

Until next week, I plan to run throughout the weekend (before it gets too hot next week) and my goal is to run up to 4 miles next week. I have created a Legacy Page for Alex, www.trisomy18.org/goto/alexramirez. You can visit this page to donate to my half marathon training. My goal is to raise $1600 total (the 16 theme again!). 100% of your funds will go toward research and support services for families undergoing a diagnosis of Trisomy 18. Thank you for you support.

"Once you choose hope, anything is possible"
-Chrisopher Reeve

Training for Richmond Half Marathon- 16 Weeks of Motivation

Those of you that know me know that I have always had a passion and love for running. Since having Elena, that passion has been more like a "chore" and my running has been put on hold. I have decided that just because my life is busy and my daughter is my new number 1 does not mean that I should not and will not take time for myself. Running makes me feel alive, whole and let's be honest, will help me loss weight!



With Alex's passing, I immediately turned to wanting to set a goal for myself with running. I researched half marathons for Fall 2009 and Richmond came to me. Why Richmond? I believe in signs, they are everywhere and I believe that they are given to us from our angels above. My nephew Jason, passed away on July 29, 2007, just 2 years ago today. His organs were donated through Donate Life and with his death, he was able to change the lives of 5 people forever. I have since become involved with The Living Legacy Foundation and Donate Life, Maryland. And as fate would have it, The official sponsor of the Richmond Marathon is Donate Life. Did I need another reason? I looked at my calender at November 14, the day of the Half Marathon and it was exactly 16 weeks of training. Sixteen? My reoccurring theme, "sweet sixteen"...Alex sent me this sign to tell me to "Go For It Mom!". With that, I called my sister Kim and she did not hesitate, we signed up and my training begins!



Those of you that know me also know my other passion is my gift of gab! I love to write, I love to read and I love to talk! I decided that my blog will be healing through words. I hope to inspire myself, inspire others and honor Alex through my thoughts. I have so much to say and I have so much to share with others. I want everyone, including myself, to count your blessings and be motivated to live a life that matters. So...I plan to blog throughout my 16 weeks of training (and hopefully beyond). Each week will represent a new inspiring topic, one that will motivate me to run and one that will give me meaning to wake up each day and know that my Alex is still here with me, teaching me to live my life to the fullest.