My sister Amy gave me a WillowTree design when we found out about Alex's diagnosis of Trisomy 18. The symbol of the little boy holding up the balloon with the word hope inside is so powerful and the word is one that I constantly use for my own healing. I have always believed that when you have hope, anything is possible.
This past week has been hard for me. August 6 marked one month since I last felt Alex inside me. One month since the dream of his birth has died. How do I remain hopefully? There are days when I cry and feel so lonely and cheated. I see pregnant women and I feel so jealous of the joy that they have to look forward to and I find myself becoming angry with God. But I soon take a step back and remember all that I have in my life and the happiness that surrounds me.
Each day brings new hope and I see everything as a sign that I can move forward and my pregnacy with Alex will forever be remembered.
Don't laugh!! Wednesday my friend Gina and I attended the American Idol concert, yes, you read correctly. We had a blast and I know now that there was a reason I joined thousands of tweens for a night of Idol madness! Singer Danny Gokey, lost his wife last year, just 3 weeks before he tried out for Idol. He has always inspired me with his strength and he sings with such passion and conviction, I think I cry everytime I hear his voice. He sang 3 songs and then ended with My Wish, by Rascal Flatts. Before he sang the song, that he dedicated to his wife, he spoke to the crowd. He talked about this wife's passing and said" You can not let a tragedy or loss define you...you must continue to follow your dreams and define your life" Gina and I looked at eachother as if he was directing those words to me. That's exactly it...I can't let Alex's death define the person that I am or will become. My dream of him will always live on and my dreams for my life must continue. I left the concert ready to take my business, my training and my life to the next level.
I have been running all week. I am up to 3 miles, which may seem like nothing, but considering that I have not run more than 2 since October, it is a step in the right direction. I have downloaded motivational music for running and inspirational music when I need to be reminded why I am training for a half marathon. Of course, My Wish, made the list after the Idol concert, but my favorite song remains to be, You Never Let Go, by David Crowder Band. I heard this song on another blog of a women who had lost her son after 16 minutes of life. He was born with Trisomy 18 and she described it as "the sweetest 16 minutes of her life". It gave me chills to know that our lives were both touched by Trisomy 18...mine with 16 weeks of Alex growing inside me, her's with 16 minutes of knowing her son. Reading her blog and hearing this song makes me feel so alive. While it hurts to think that we have to endure the pain of lossing a child that we will never know, it gives me HOPE to know that we are both continuing to live a life that has meaning and I feel as if each day brings me a new sense of dreams that will continue to be fulfilled. Alex has become my strength and Elena is my motivation.
Until next week, I plan to run throughout the weekend (before it gets too hot next week) and my goal is to run up to 4 miles next week. I have created a Legacy Page for Alex, www.trisomy18.org/goto/alexramirez. You can visit this page to donate to my half marathon training. My goal is to raise $1600 total (the 16 theme again!). 100% of your funds will go toward research and support services for families undergoing a diagnosis of Trisomy 18. Thank you for you support.