Friday, August 14, 2009

Unconditional Love

"Love is life's most precious gift"

As soon as I have moments that I miss being pregnant with Alex and I miss the dream of holding him and loving him on this earth, I am reminded of the love that surrounds me and I can't help but be grateful. If this experience has taught me one thing, it is that "love is life's most precious gift". Whether it is the love you have for a spouse, a parent, a child or a friend, love makes life worth living. I look at all of the love in my life and I know that I am blessed. Alex would have been so happy to know all the people in my life, and my heart tells me that he felt that love before he passed away.

I have truly been amazed by the outpouring of emails, cards, letters, phone calls and visits. It is times like these make me realize how important relationships are to get you through the good times and the bad times. Every relationship has a purpose, each person that enters your life leaves an imprint on your soul. I can see that now. I have been lifted up by my closest family members and I have been surprised by people I have not talked to in years. Friends that I laughed with in college, have now been a shoulder to cry on. My uncle whom I only see a few times a year, sent me flowers from Alex, with a message from heaven. Those flowers arrived and words can't describe the overwhelming sense of peace that I felt. I immediately called him as I needed him to know how important the gesture was that day.

Many friends expressed their sadness for me and many have been silent during this time, as I am sure it is uncomfortable for some to talk about my situation. At first I was upset that people would see me and not ask me how I was or acknowledge the death of my little Alex. But, again I can't let anger control me. Love comes in many forms, and I need to remember that a smile, a hug, a simple glance can mean so much. My friends have been so wonderful with their understanding and whether or not we talk about Alex, just being with them and laughing is , as they say, "the best medicine". It is the small tokens of love that I am thankful for each day, because without my friends and family, the healing process would be much more difficult. I am not alone in this journey and I thank everyone for their open, honest conversations with me and for helping me smile even when my soul is crying.

After all, "It is better to have love and lost, then to never have loved at all". As I said before, many have asked me if I am nervous to get pregnant again, if I will try again soon and if I feel differently about the overall joy of pregnancy. The answer is complicated. Of course I will never be as naive as I was with Elena about pregnancy and birth. However, I can't wait to experience the love of knowing a child is growing inside me. Pregnancy is and will always be the greatest joy of my life. I loved Alex from the moment he was conceived and I will always love him. If anything, he taught me to appreciate each moment of pregnancy more and I think Efrain and I both will be better parents for loving Alex.

Finally, I am learning to love running again!! It has been hard getting back into training and running, especially when it is 100 degrees outside. But I am doing this for more than myself and that makes me want to run and I think I am slowly (and I mean slowly) learning to love running again. I ran 4 miles on Thursday and it was not easy. I was listening to "Beautiful Day" by U2 when I almost gave up. But the tune kept me going, it is a beautiful day, each day is a gift and I am lucky to be alive.

Thank you to everyone for following my journey, remember to cherish each and every day and know that something as simple as a hug is the greatest symbol of love that you can give. Until next time...

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