I have been doing a lot of reading since I discovered the fate of my little Alex. I started reading books written about dealing with the loss of an infant, and I have also read other grief books that help you understand how to overcome your sadness and continue living your life. One such book, "When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Harold S Kushner, the author states that when we experience loss the question should not be "Why did this happen to me?", rather "Now that this has happened, what am I going to do about it?"
What I am going to do now that I will never know, never hold, never kiss what should have been my first born son? I have asked myself this many times and I repeatedly turn to Elena when my heart feels too heavy to face such questions. It is her smile, her laugh and her innocence that gave me my answer...Live for each moment, learn lessons through the eyes of a child.
When I think about the joy of living life as a child, I can't help but think of the quote "Dance as if no one is watching, love as if you've never been hurt." My little Elena has got some rhythm and she loves to dance. Anytime she hears music, her hips start to move, she doesn't care if the world is watching and even if she was crying 1 minute earlier, her mood is changed and her smile lights up the room. Likewise, Elena does not yet know the pain of loss, death, disappointment and anger. She falls, she cries and she gets right back up. A child's heart is open and they have so much love to give. While they may be hurt for one brief moment, they are able to overcome this hurt and go on loving..."love as if you've never been hurt", if Elena can do this, why shouldn't I try to follow her lead? Become like a child and don't let your heart be broken by harmful things, but let it always bounce back with new hopes and second chances.
Yesterday was my nephew Julian's 2nd birthday party! Watching 20 children run around My Gym, I could not help but be in envy of the excitement that 2 hours of play brought to each child. When is the last time I just played for 2 hours, not a care in the world, not a worry on my mind? I couldn't tell you. However, back to the question at hand, "What I am going to do now that this has happened to me?" I promise that I am going to take time for myself. Whether it means 2 hours of running, 2 hours of pampering, 2 hours of reading or 2 hours of doing nothing, I know that I need that time to reflect each day.
Before lossing Alex, I was going through the motions of life without really taking time to live it. I feel as if I have a second chance at life. I chance to find myself again. Running is helping me feel better about my physical self, reading and blogging is helping me take care of my spiritual self, and being Elena's mom is helping me remember to laugh more and "dance as if no one is watching." Which, if I may add, is the best part of my day...nothing beats dancing to "The Hot Dog Dance" each morning! Great way to start each day!
'Sometimes looking deep into the eyes of a child, you are conscious of meeting a glance full
of wisdom. The child has known nothing yet
but love and beauty. All this piled-up world knowledge you have acquired is unguessed at
by her. And yet you meet this wonderful look
that tells you in a moment more than all the
years of experience have seemed to teach.'